Thursday, August 29, 2013

Eviscerating the Myth of the Tooth Fairy

As a kid, when you skin your knee up after a brutal crash, you cry. Lose a finger trying to slice open your new toy with the meat cleaver, you cry. However, when you wiggle, pull, yank, and ply out one of your teeth, you are elated.  The tooth fairy is coming and that means money! It's the only injury that your compensated for.  How much money, well my son would like to tell you that the new minimum is $20.00.

Last week my son lost one of his canine teeth.  He secretly wiggled, pulled and tugged on it until it fell out. He probably felt that he was going to hit the jackpot again and didn't want to let on.  He wanted a crisp $20.00 bill just like the last time he lost a tooth.

However, this time the tooth fairy failed Toothless.  She gave him one measly dollar.  Doesn't she know that due to inflation $1.00 doesn't cut it?  My son was actually upset and questioning why he only received a $1.00 this time around.  Being quick on my feet, I asked "who the hell gave you $20.00?"  He looked at me dumbfounded.  "What do you mean?" he asked.

Fortunately my wife chimed in with the save and stated that I meant which tooth fairy, not a specific person. I almost ruined the tooth fairy for both of my boys.  And we all know that when the existence of the tooth fairy is called into question, Santa and the Easter Bunny are next. I almost ruined my boys' childhoods with one ignorant comment.

To further distract the boys from my slip up, we explained to them that the tooth fairy assesses a higher value to the big front teeth and will give them more money. Toothless has lost both of his, but Tiny's have not been lost yet, so there's $40.00 I - or the grandparents - will have to shell out. We added that canine teeth are only worth a dollar.  I probably should prepare a schedule for them to carry around.  Oh the lies we tell our kids.

The real reason that he received a $20.00 bill was because the grandparents down south put a Jackson under his pillow when he was down visiting them last summer and lost a big tooth.  Another classic example of grandparents spoiling the boys.  When asked, I believe that my parents shrugged their shoulders and said "we didn't know what to give him."

Really.  I didn't see  a $20.00 bill until I began working at the age 13. I know that the cost of gas has increased from .79 cents when I was a kid but why apply rules of inflation to the tooth fairy?  They could have got away with a $5.00 bill and I wouldn't complain.  A $10.00 bill would have led to minor complaining, but the $20.00 bill pushed me over the top. How can we possibly match that.  $20.00 for each tooth lost.  I am not good at math but that's a lot of money times 2.

The fact of the matter is that I never got more than a dollar for a tooth.  I also never expected more than a dollar . I didn't have any concept of money when I was a kid so I was stoked to get a paper bill that wasn't from Monopoly.

Now my boys think that the standard is $20.00 and feel jipped if they get less.

Not to mention that they never use their money to buy anything.  Mainly because if you give them $20.00 they want something that costs $30.00.  And you know who has to pick up the difference, us.  Not the "tooth fairy".  By the way, try to tell your son that he doesn't have enough money to buy the $29.99 toy and he will explain to you that he has enough because he has $20.00.  He doesn't hear you add the $9.99.

Needless to say, we explained to both boys that if they want better compensation for their lost teeth they better plan on losing their teeth down south.  Either that or, if they want to get a $20.00 bill from the tooth fairy of the north,  they better get Square and sleep with the IPad under their pillow because this "tooth fairy" doesn't carry that kind of cash.

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